Mixed State
People with Bipolar Disorder can experience a mixed state that is probably the most painful and potentially lethal bipolar condition as well as the most difficult to treat.  More on that story here.

 

Judgment Day         Written on March 17, 2001

Mixed - Most painful and potentially lethal

1996
I was hospitalized by RGH (Riverside General Hospital) and during this admit, I was laughed at and made the butt-end of cruel jokes.  This admit and those that followed awakened symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and Bipolar Disorder.  Once these symptoms were awakened, a reverberation of these two disorders would feed off each other, then geometrically crystallize into a new model, shifting it's shape to elude doctors.  The dynamics were hidden behind a maze of flashbacks fueled with anger and frustration that gave way to more severe methods of self-attack. 

1998
It has been 2 years now and the abuse by RGH still continued.  It was an endless cycle similar to the Bipolar disorder itself with its extreme poles of emotion and thought;  - provoked by mistreatment.  It was like the electronic sine wave with anger peaks and depression valleys.  Once I would be released from RGH, I would reflect on the abusive treatment and sink into a depression which lead to behaviors for rehospitalization.  Once rehospitalized, I could not work on my own issues because I was caught up into senseless power struggles, and hatred toward a system that testified to a Judge that my periods of regression was repulsive to staff.  

1998
I filed lawsuit against the Medical Director and RGH.  The hospitalizations still continued.  The Riverside County Board of Supervisors hired attorneys to block the suit and defend the ubiquitous abuse.

1999-2000
In conjunction with the shape-shifting constellation of PTSD and Bipolar Disorder, I now had to face the anxiety from depositions and discovery.  Think of this anxiety as the accelerator to boost levels of the present agitated symptoms.  The 3 of them in the mixing pot, PTSD, Bipolar and fueled by anxiety produced a Bipolar Mixed State that is probably the most painful and potentially lethal bipolar condition as well as the most difficult to treat. 

A Superior Court Judge remarked in court that in his view the law gave immunity to RGH and my patient's rights' meant nothing.  The Judge said,  yes, my rights were violated,.... but immunity,.... there are immunities.  This shocking revelation sent me into a downward spiral of anger.  How dare they?  I was abused as a child and now even as an adult - after handling the situation appropriately through the court channels, the abuse received immunity.  How dare they?! 

2001
January 2, 2001 - The last months my life thus far had been an array of frustrated and angry depressed thoughts.  A jury would not hear my testimony.  My present symptoms are still not diagnosed. [Worst of all - a mixed state in which they are energetic, hyperactive, and sleepless, and at the same time angry, irritable, and despondent.  My racing thoughts were filled with depressive ruminations.]  I remembered the austere imprint of being in a brighter mood to suddenly without warning turn to tears and feeling as though I would sink into the earth.  I remembered falling down to my knees in a crushing motion, now in a frustrated upright fetal position and then jerk my head straight up and scream, "God, what's wrong with me??!!!  I can't do this anymore, I HATE THIS!"   I have been complaining now for some months to most of my friends how "painful" my life is in regards to sleep deprivation, mind numbing and tingling. 

Then - the eluding mixed state cornered me and I was seemly without an advocate.  At this point I didn't know anything about a Bipolar Mixed State and believed my thoughts that centered around abuse (PTSD) would prevent me from ever living a normal life again, that is the ruminations of the abuse from RGH.   How I hated those flashbacks, those thoughts.  In the late hours of the night I would try and lie down hoping for sleep, and what a joke that was.  My brain was tingling, yes, tingling, numbed and zombied out, and yet I STILL could not sleep!  I was like the living UNDEAD!  I might as well be dead!  

It was getting late into the evening.  I had it.  I had made a decision to cut.  Cutting myself meant getting this blood out of me that I no longer considered my own.  RGH turned me into something else besides myself.  This blood-letting would be a symbolic cleansing and also serve to make the UNDEAD, DEAD.  I began cutting...

Police Report - "I noticed that Ms. Stringer had a lot of dried blood on the right side of her neck and throat.....I told Ms. Stringer to put down the razor blade.  She continued to cut at her wrist...Just shoot me, why don't you....just go ahead and shoot me."  

The police were trying to save me and I was angry.  I did not see this as help but to only prolong the situation.  I was out of it.

FEB 2001
In the weeks that followed, I was still not diagnosed as this mixed-state.  If you can believe this, I went to court from the hospital and fought hard for the 'right-to-die'.  With the judge's final words, he echoed that his decision could be seen as cruel but he could not allow me to end my life, thereby committing me for a hospitalization term of up to 180 days.  I was there less then 2 weeks because of my personal written commitments, and that got me off the hook.  I was freed again.  

Judgment Day Set
Days later I offset my date to March 15, 2001 - Judgment Day, to decide if I wanted to stay on this same piece of dirt as all those who got immunity for abusing me.  I was going to weigh it all out.   This may sound silly to you, but to me it was serious.  Most of the people at RGH, all 3 shifts had their 'fun way', and evil comments.  And to be a part of that cultural base, to experience what society offered toward recovery, meant to endorse the abuse I went through as a child.  I thought humans were better then that, trained better, and cared more, yet it was repeated all over again, the childhood abuse - the there-and-then into the here-and-now.  

Toward Judgment Day I received altruistic endeavors from nurses, doctors, friends and family.  Pat (a friend) came to visit me every single day while I was in the hospital with Trish in tow most of the time.  I remembered Brad an RN from a wonderful hospital that began the collection with, "Kathi, you are a beautiful Child of God."  I took this single phrase along with Dr. Witkowski's helpful remarks that - "It is okay to be who I am and so what if I am different?"  Yet, even though I had all this, it wasn't enough as I still had too many days & nights as the UNDEAD - the dreaded mixed bipolar state.  My thoughts had me caught up in a chemical imbalance that reverberated between my brain tingling and a sea of brooding emotions.  At this time I was lost.  I had no way to understand any of this.  Why am I the living UNDEAD?

FEB 2001 - Light
Dr. Witkowski (Kaiser) begins to recognize bipolar symptoms and a possible mixed state.  She gave me information to digest but I only skimmed through it, at this point I was burned out on learning any new in-depth mental health junk.  So, I did what any good sister would do, I faxed it to my baby brother and asked him to read through all of it and explain it to me.  And he did exactly that!  Family support!  It takes a lot for a family remember to sit down, take the time and read this stuff, but he did, and that meant a lot to me.  My brother spoke with me after researching this stuff and we hashed it out as team players.  That was an important concept - team players.

My friends supported me in the same way.  Patty, web owner of Mental Health Sanctuary, who also has this bipolar disorder, swung into action and painfully wrote and rewrote a letter to me, basically telling me "to get the hell out of my own way."  Patty's letter affected me so much that I dreamt about it that night.   That letter is here.

So far what was explained to me was about the bipolar state.  I was 'trying' to accept that, but I was having trouble.  Then it happened, the ballpark flood-lights came on when a Harvard Mental Health Letter that I subscribed to came across my desk.  That month's volume and issues dealt with Bipolar Disorder - Part 1.  It was there that I read the paragraph above describing the bipolar mixed state.  Bingo, that was it, that was me!  

Knowledge is power.  I now have hope that perhaps my brain may one day work correctly together with it's neurotransmitters and dissolve this horrible bipolar mixed state.

So whatever happened to Judgment Day?  I don't know.  My friends didn't give me a chance to reflect and make that judgment.  They surrounded me that day and we stayed busy.  I feel like I got jip out of something and didn't get the chance to follow through.  It has only been 2 days now, so lets see how it goes from here......

Thank you for hanging with me during this long painful journey that has yet to be concluded.  If you have any comments or similar stories, it would be great if you allowed me to post them here.  Be sure to read the summary below.

Warmly yours,

Kathi Stringer

1. The correct diagnosis is very important toward recovery.  My brother said I should "kiss my doctor" for figuring this one out ;-)
     
2. The establishment of a positive therapeutic team alliance with your doctor, nurse and therapist will promote wellness. 
     
3. Getting more then an "ahhhh, poor baby" and real family support with research and reading is very helpful. 
     
4. True friends are cool.  They didn't run but rather got into the meat of the matter.  They put up with my abusing irritations and watched me abuse myself, and they still stuck.  Friends look toward solutions, not pity.  Friends, period.
     
5. Put this all together and I have a good chance toward recovery.  I take one day at a time, one hour, and one minute at a time..... and you should too.