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This article is published in the book: "Psych 101 - What you didn't learn in nursing school." by Kathi Stringer Paperback: 320 pages ISBN-13: 978-0615193137 Order |
Why I Research
Written by Kathi Stringer
December 12, 2003
Hey gang, just a bit about your website Host. I get letters wondering about ‘me.’ I’ve evaded them for years, but what the heck. So tonight I decided to tap out the ASCII, to write what I feel, and when I feel it.
It’s the holidays. I’ve been hospitalized 3 times in the last 30 days and over 30 times since 1996. Yes, I understand about triggers. Yet, I take responsibility by acknowledging ‘it’s me’ not just the triggers. I’ve been dx’d as borderline personality disorder severe more times than I can count fingers. It is a perplexing diagnosis since on personality instrument scales it shows that I do not have the traits to be labeled with any AXIS II disorder. Of course, with my knowledge in mental health and psychology, it isn’t hard to figure out which sort of questions applies to which personality disorder. Question: “Do you have inappropriate anger?” Flash for the scorekeeper…my mind registers, borderline personality disorder question! Duh! I guess you could say that I beat the tests. It’s hard to answer those type of instruments honestly when my intellect is a defense guarding my raw emotions. It’s bad enough I have emotional problems that I will not show stupidly.
I had seen different practitioners that dispute whether I have BPD or PTSD/ Bipolar. Frankly, when I get caught up into the ‘emotions’ I really don’t see choice on how I relate to the world, or nor do I care what the dx is. My emotions go to autopilot. And, I do regress and ‘fast.’ I function emotionally as a toddler. I don’t ‘act out’ but rather ‘act in.’ This is the strange part. I’ve been self-employed since I was 23-years-old, and I built my company as key supplier for Hughes Aircraft when I reached age 26. I have only a 10th grade education. Some psychologists say my intellect is high, and I quote, “high enough to flip into craziness or do great things.” I think more toward craziness myself. With intellect, things come easy. With emotions, I’m lost and completely clueless when I get caught up ‘into it.’ There are times when I’ve been challenged to change my behavior when ‘in it.’ And you know what? I usually become defensive. I can out-solve my accuser on an intellectual platform in areas they look like idiots, so…how dare they point out my emotional weakness when I’m not rude to call them an idiot? It seems sort of one-sided at times.
I’m emotionally arrested due to the same-ole-stuff. Child abuse. Bad stuff. I had to fake at being an adult to take care of my brothers and sister. My emotional progress got fixated since I suddenly had to pretend ‘not to be me’ anymore. I had to ‘act’ big and take care of things, and all while dealing with blood stained walls. So, does this etiology appear as PTSD or the precursor makings of borderline personality disorder? Well, when ‘locked in,’ it really doesn’t matter. It is another world all together.
So, why do I write all the scientific material about mental health? During one of my first inpatient stays I was pretty wasted by staff. So much so, that I went to the city college and bought every psych book they had. My mind began getting interested in solving what the hell was going on with me, and why and the hell I was treated so badly (revenge). Within months my interested turned to the professional publishers –ARONSON and the APA. I invested thousands of dollars in publications, journals and scholarly books. In BPD books alone, my collection is upwards from 40 of them. Not the pop psych in the ‘self-improvement’ section at the bookstore, but hard-core theory – Searles, Adler, Paris, Gabbard, Kernberg, Gunderson, Volkan, Chatham, Linehan, Silk, Goldstein, Sherwood, Cohen, Chessick, Masterson, Robson, Meissner, Hartocollis…just in BPD, not including the hundreds of other books in object relations and related supporting psych. I was out to get armed with knowledge to prevent future abuses from mental health. And you know what I learned? How to say the ‘golden rule’ in extreme and convoluted psych format. Then, and only then would I be taken seriously. For example, if I were to say, “ouch, that hurt” I would get a list of coping skills with blame at my feet. Now, with this education, I can say something like, “ouch, try a little countertransference management please?” and that sinks in. And, it really bugged me that I needed to go to such extremes just to be ‘safe’ so that I could tell the difference what was ‘proto-call’ and what was just plain being mean in staff attitudes.
Now I know the difference, and I no longer have to doubt myself. Since, I’ve turned this knowledge to my website as an outreach to other mental health providers. The revenge subsided and was replace with an honest and sincere effort to make a connection with providers. To share what I’ve learned from my experience combined with my studies. I suppose in making the ‘connection’ I lose some of my readers without a psych background. I choose those with a psych background because that is where my raw ‘wounds’ are. I needed to address much of the stereotyping about BPD ‘mental patient’s’ and those that are fixated from early emotional trauma.
Lets take a look at borderline personality disorder vs PTSD for a second. When I was inpatient and a mental health worker said to me, “STEP AWAY FROM THE RED LINE!” I turned and saw the MHW was speaking to me. Instantly, the back of my neck ‘warmed’ and I felt like I was caught back up in the battle zone of childhood memories. His demandingness came across as the abusive father that beat and screamed. In a split second all my logic, and presence-of mind-vanished. I was looking at an abuser. I was looking at a HATED abuser. And, I screamed back, “OR WHAT??” I was triggered. I went into autopilot. The child woke up and refused to be abused any longer. Then the MHW said, “OR YOU WILL END UP IN SECLUSION AND RESTRAINTS!” Ouch. The abusive environment has challenged me. The child was aroused. The intellect became useless. The emotions were much to important to be denied, not now, not after all the denial that came from childhood, no…not now. I ended up in seclusion and restraints.
Now, does it really matter that it was borderline personality disorder or PTSD? I suppose it can be argued. The point is, at that moment, I was lashing back at an abuser in the transference. And, how powerful that connection can be. Massive.
Today I’m still struggling with those inpatient nightmares that woke up the abused child. And, I thought, what the hell, I’ll write you, and maybe, just maybe we might have something in common. I really do understand. I too am vulnerable, but I try to put up a stiff upper lip. We, you and me, we are survivors, else we wouldn’t be here. Yes, I have my fun with the BPD page…. but I suppose there could be a lot of anger in reverse. It is my way of sharing the ‘maddness’ the ‘hopelessness’ and the anger. Anger inward.
You know, just an added thought. I could never figure out why God let Jesus die…all that blood. Now I understand, ‘someone’ had to pay, even if an innocent. With BPD’s and PTSD that act-in, someone has to pay, and it is us. Now, finally, I get the concept.
Good evening….Kathi