Question:
Would you feel that this fits a
narcissist/misogynistic personality?
My husband and I got married a
year ago. It is his 1st marriage at 39 years of age. In the
two years we have been together, he has without warning physically
and emotionally abandoned me six times, anywhere from overnight to
more than two months. He says he aches he craves me so much, yet he
abandons me repeatedly.
He says all women have 'thrown
him to the curb with the garbage' when they are done with him. He
says I am too good to be true, he's just waiting 'for the ax to
fall'. He says he leaves before he gets kicked out. He kisses and
nuzzles me in the morning, and then abandons me at the end of the
work day.
He swings from overly sweet to
verbally so angry it is shocking. He is the drama king, everything
and everyone is stressful or frustrating.
Answer:
This behavior is typical of many
personality disorders. It is called "Approach-Avoidance
Repetition Complex". By behaving unpredictably and abandoning
his mate, spouse, or partner, the narcissist maintains control over
the situation and avoids emotional hurt and narcissistic injuries
("I abandoned her, not the other way around").
The abuser
acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally.
This serves to render others helpless and dependent upon the next
twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his
next outburst, denial, or smile.
The abuser
makes sure that HE is the only reliable
element in the lives of his nearest and dearest
by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane
behavior. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives
by destabilizing their own.
Question:
He has humiliated me in public,
reaching in my shirt to my breasts in a mall food court, lifting my
skirt while crossing on a main street intersection
Answer:
The narcissist regards other people
as objects, instruments of gratification, sources of narcissistic
supply.
People have a
need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of
others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people
the abuser attacks the very foundations of human interaction.
This is the "alien" aspect of abusers
they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are
emotionally absent and immature.
Abuse is
so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric
that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defenses
absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable
to the abuser's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual
abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.
Question:
He seems to be overly sexed, at
one point three times a night, constantly stating how important
it is for him to know that I am available sexually.
Answer:
Broadly speaking, there are two
types of narcissists loosely corresponding to the two categories
mentioned in the question. Sex for the narcissist is an instrument
designed to increase the number of Sources of Narcissistic Supply.
If it happens to be the most efficient weapon in the narcissist's
arsenal he makes profligate use of it. In other words: if the
narcissist cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, applause,
or any other kind of attention by other means (e.g., intellectually)
he resorts to sex. He then become a satyr (or a nymphomaniac):
indiscriminately engages in sex with multiple partners. His sex
partners are considered by him to be objects not of desire but
of Narcissistic Supply. It is through the processes of successful
seduction and sexual conquest that the narcissist derives his badly
needed narcissistic "fix". The narcissist is likely to
perfect his techniques of courting and regard his sexual exploits as
a form of art. He usually exposes this side of him in great
detail to others, to an audience, expecting to win their
approval and admiration. Because the Narcissistic Supply in his case
resides in the act of conquest and (what he perceives to be)
subordination the narcissist is forced to move on and to switch
and bewitch partners very often.
Question:
He constantly states his self
importance: "I'm so kind", "I'm so
generous", "I'm so ethical", "my work is
so good", "I'm a well known public figure" type of
comments. He constantly is begging for compliments, to a point where
it is a turn off, almost childlike. He is emotionally immature and
insecure.
Answer:
- The Narcissist feels grandiose and
self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills,
contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands
to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
- Is obsessed with fantasies of
unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence,
unequalled brilliance (the cerebral
narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual
performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting,
all-conquering love or passion;
- Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and,
being special, can only be understood by, should only be
treated by, or associate with, other special or unique,
or high-status people (or institutions);
- Requires excessive admiration, adulation,
attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be
feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);
- Feels entitled. Demands automatic
and full compliance with his or her unreasonable
expectations for special and favorable priority
treatment;
- Is "interpersonally exploitative",
i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;
- Devoid of empathy. Is unable
or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept
the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities,
and choices of others;
- Constantly envious of others and seeks to
hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers
from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes
that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to
act similarly;
- Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels
superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune,
"above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking).
Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by
people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.
Continue
to Answer: Part Two
