Question:
Through his abandonment he has
destroyed his relationship with my 13 year old son. My son is an
honor student, but still a teenager with typical teenage comments
and behaviors. My husband blames my son as the reason he left
me.
Answer:
When confronted with
(younger) siblings or with his own children, the narcissist is
likely to go through three phases:
At first, he
perceives his offspring or siblings as a
threat to his Narcissistic Supply, such as the attention of
his spouse, or mother, as the case may be. They
intrude on his turf and invade the
Pathological Narcissistic Space. The narcissist
does his best to belittle them, hurt (even
physically) and humiliate them and then, when these reactions prove
ineffective or counter productive, he retreats into an imaginary
world of omnipotence. A period of emotional absence and detachment
ensues.
His aggression having failed to elicit
Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist proceeds
to indulge himself in daydreaming, delusions of
grandeur, planning of future coups, nostalgia and hurt (the Lost
Paradise Syndrome). The narcissist reacts this way to the birth of
his children or to the introduction of new foci of attention to the
family cell (even to a new pet!).
Whomever
the narcissist perceives to be in competition
for scarce Narcissistic Supply is relegated to the role of the
enemy. Where the uninhibited expression of the aggression and
hostility aroused by this predicament is illegitimate or
impossible the narcissist prefers to stay
away. Rather than attack his offspring or siblings, he
sometimes immediately disconnects,
detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and uninterested,
or directs transformed anger at his mate
or at his parents (the more "legitimate"
targets).
Other narcissists see
the opportunity in the "mishap". They seek to manipulate
their parents (or their mate) by "taking over" the
newcomer. Such narcissists monopolise their siblings or their
newborn children. This way, indirectly, they
benefit from the attention directed at the
infants. The sibling or offspring become vicarious sources of
Narcissistic Supply and proxies for the narcissist.
An example: by being
closely identified with his offspring, a narcissistic father secures
the grateful admiration of the mother ("What an outstanding
father/brother he is"). He also
assumes part of or all the credit for baby's/sibling's achievements.
This is a process of annexation and assimilation of the other, a
strategy that the narcissist makes use of in most of his
relationships.
As siblings or
progeny grow older, the narcissist begins to see
their potential to be edifying, reliable and satisfactory Sources of
Narcissistic Supply. His attitude, then, is completely transformed.
The former threats have now become promising potentials. He
cultivates those whom he trusts to be the most rewarding. He
encourages them to idolise him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to
admire his deeds and capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and
obey him, in short to surrender to his charisma and to become
submerged in his follies-de-grandeur.
It is at this stage that the risk of
child abuse - up to and including outright incest - is heightened.
The narcissist is auto-erotic. He is the preferred object of his own
sexual attraction. His siblings and his children share his genetic
material. Molesting or having intercourse with them is as close as
the narcissist gets to having sex with himself.
Moreover, the narcissist perceives sex
in terms of annexation. The partner is "assimilated" and
becomes an extension of the narcissist, a fully controlled and
manipulated object. Sex, to the narcissist, is the ultimate act of
depersonalization and objectification of the other. He actually
masturbates with other people's bodies.
Minors pose little danger of criticizing
the narcissist or confronting him. They are perfect, malleable and
abundant sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist derives
gratification from having coital relations with adulating,
physically and mentally inferior, inexperienced and dependent
"bodies".
These roles
allocated to them explicitly and demandingly or implicitly and
perniciously by the narcissist are best fulfilled by ones whose
mind is not yet fully formed and
independent. The older the siblings or offspring, the more they
become critical, even judgemental, of the narcissist. They are
better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to
question his motives, to anticipate his moves.
As they mature, they often
refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in
his chess game. They hold grudges against him for what he has done
to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They
can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements which,
usually, lag far behind the claims that he makes.
This brings the
narcissist a full cycle back to the first phase. Again, he perceives
his siblings or sons/daughters as threats. He quickly becomes
disillusioned and devaluing. He loses all interest, becomes
emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to
communicate with him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and
scarceness of his time.
He feels burdened,
cornered, besieged, suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants to get
away, to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally
useless (or even damaging) to him. He does not understand why he has
to support them, or to suffer their
company and he believes himself to have been deliberately and
ruthlessly trapped.
He rebels either
passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or by intentionally
sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical,
aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so
on). Slowly to justify his acts to himself he gets immersed
in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues.
To his mind, the
members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or
humiliate or subordinate him, do not understand him, or stymie
his growth. The narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and
the family that he has created disintegrates to his great sorrow
(due to the loss of the Narcissistic Space) but also to his
great relief and surprise (how could they have let go someone as
unique as he?).
This is the cycle:
the narcissist feels threatened by arrival of new family members
he tries to assimilate or annex
of siblings or offspring he obtains
Narcissistic Supply from them he overvalues
and idealizes these newfound
sources as sources grow older and independent, they adopt anti
narcissistic behaviours the narcissist devalues them the
narcissist feels stifled and trapped the narcissist becomes
paranoid the narcissist rebels and the family disintegrates.
This cycle
characterises not only the family life of the narcissist. It is to
be found in other realms of his life (his career, for instance). At
work, the narcissist, initially, feels threatened (no one knows him,
he is a nobody). Then, he develops a circle of admirers, cronies and
friends which he "nurtures and cultivates" in order to
obtain Narcissistic Supply from them. He overvalues them (to
him, they are the brightest, the most loyal, with
the biggest chances to climb the corporate ladder and other
superlatives).
But following some
anti-narcissistic behaviours on their part (a critical remark, a
disagreement, a refusal, however polite) the narcissist devalues
all these previously idealized
individuals. Now that they have dared oppose him - they
are judged by him to be stupid, cowardly,
lacking in ambition, skills and talents,
common (the worst expletive in the narcissist's vocabulary), with an
unspectacular career ahead of them.
The narcissist feels
that he is misallocating his scarce and invaluable resources
(for instance, his time). He feels besieged and suffocated. He
rebels and erupts in a serious of self-defeating and
self-destructive behaviours, which lead to the disintegration of his
life.
Doomed to build and
ruin, attach and detach, appreciate and depreciate, the narcissist
is predictable in his "death wish". What sets him apart
from other suicidal types is that his wish is granted to him in
small, tormenting doses throughout his anguished life.
Custody and
Visitation
A parent diagnosed
with full-fledged Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD) should be denied custody and be
granted only restricted rights of visitation under supervision.
Narcissists accord
the same treatment to children and adults. They regard both as
sources of narcissistic supply, mere instruments of gratification -
idealize them at first and then devalue them in favour of
alternative, safer and more subservient, sources. Such treatment is
traumatic and can have long-lasting emotional effects.
The narcissist's
inability to acknowledge and abide by the personal boundaries set by
others puts the child at heightened risk of abuse - verbal,
emotional, physical, and, often, sexual. His possessiveness and
panoply of indiscriminate negative emotions - transformations of
aggression, such as rage and envy - hinder his ability to act as a
"good enough" parent. His propensities for reckless
behaviour, substance abuse, and sexual deviance endanger the child's
welfare, or even his or her life.
Question:
He is angry if I don't work and
make money, he is angry if I do work and am not instantly available
for his phone calls. He is financially controlling, there is
no joint account or credit cards, no co-mingled funds. The
money he does contribute to household expenses, he makes me account
for as if I am a child. He either calls me 5 times a day, or
'punishes' by not calling at all.
Answer:
Your husband is a classic abuser. Controlling you
and your money is only part of it.
Perhaps the first telltale sign is the abuser's
alloplastic defenses
his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap
on others, or on the world at large. Be tuned: does he assume
personal responsibility? Does he admit his faults and
miscalculations? Or does he keep blaming you, the cab driver, the
waiter, the weather, the government, or fortune for his predicament?
Is he hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels
constantly slighted, injured, and insulted? Does he rant
incessantly? Does he treat animals and children impatiently or
cruelly and does he express negative and aggressive emotions towards
the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled?
Does he confess to having a history of battering or violent offenses
or behavior? Is his language vile and infused with expletives,
threats, and hostility?
Next thing: is he too eager? Does he push you to
marry him having dated you only twice? Is he planning on having
children on your first date? Does he immediately cast you in the
role of the love of his life? Is he pressing you for exclusivity,
instant intimacy, almost rapes you and acts jealous when you as much
as cast a glance at another male? Does he inform you that, once you
get hitched, you should abandon your studies or resign your job
(forgo your personal autonomy)?
Does he respect your boundaries and privacy? Does
he ignore your wishes (for instance, by choosing from the menu or
selecting a movie without as much as consulting you)? Does he
disrespect your boundaries and treats you as an object or an
instrument of gratification (materializes on your doorstep
unexpectedly or calls you often prior to your date)? Does he go
through your personal belongings while waiting for you to get ready?
Does he control the situation and you
compulsively? Does he insist to ride in his car, holds on to the car
keys, the money, the theater tickets, and even your bag? Does he
disapprove if you are away for too long (for instance when you go to
the powder room)? Does he interrogate you when you return
("have you seen anyone interesting")
or make lewd "jokes" and remarks? Does he hint that, in
future, you would need his permission to do things
even as innocuous as meeting a friend or visiting with your family?
Does he act in a patronizing and condescending
manner and criticizes you often? Does he emphasize your minutest
faults (devalues you) even as he exaggerates your talents, traits,
and skills (idealizes you)? Is he wildly unrealistic in his
expectations from you, from himself, from the budding relationship,
and from life in general?
Does he tell you constantly that you "make
him feel" good? Don't be impressed. Next thing, he may tell you
that you "make" him feel bad, or that you make him feel
violent, or that you "provoke" him. "Look what you
made me do!" is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase.
Does he find sadistic sex exciting? Does he have
fantasies of rape or pedophilia? Is he too forceful with you in and
out of the sexual intercourse? Does he like hurting you physically
or finds it amusing? Does he abuse you verbally
does he curse you, demeans you, calls you ugly or inappropriately
diminutive names, or persistently criticizes you? Does he then
switch to being saccharine and "loving", apologizes
profusely and buys you gifts?
If you have answered "yes" to any
of the above
stay away! He is an abuser.
Question:
He has no long term friends or
any real social circle. Calls people friends, and then says I
didn't realize they've had two children ...
Answer:
Narcissists have no friends - only
sources of narcissistic supply and people they can exploit and
abuse.
I compared Narcissistic Supply
to drugs because of the almost involuntary and always-unrestrained
nature of the pursuit involved in securing it. The narcissist is no
better or worse (morally speaking) than others. But he lacks the
ability to empathise precisely because he is obsessed with the
maintenance of his delicate inner balance through the
(ever-increasing) consumption of Narcissistic Supply.
The narcissist rates people
around him according to whether they can provide him with
Narcissistic Supply or not. As far as the narcissist is concerned,
those who fail this simple test do not exist. They are
two-dimensional cartoon figures. Their feelings, needs and fears are
of no interest or importance.
Potential Sources of Supply are
then subjected to a meticulous examination and probing of the volume
and quality of the Narcissistic Supply that they are likely to
provide. The narcissist nurtures and cultivates these people. He
caters to their needs, desires, and wishes. He considers their
emotions. He encourages those aspects of their personality that are
likely to enhance their ability to provide him with his much needed
supply. In this very restricted sense, he regards and treats them as
"human". This is be his way of "maintaining and
servicing" his Supply Sources. Needless to say that he loses
any and all interest in them and in their needs once he decides that
they are no longer able to supply him with what he needs: an
audience, adoration, witnessing (=memory). The same reaction is
provoked by any behaviour judged by the narcissist to be
narcissistically injurious.
The narcissist coldly evaluates
tragic circumstances. Will they allow him to extract Narcissistic
Supply from people affected by the tragedy?
A narcissist, for instance,
will give a helping hand, console, guide, share grief, encourage
another hurting person only if that person is important, powerful,
has access to other important or powerful people, or to the media,
has a following, etc.
The same applies if helping,
consoling, guiding, or encouraging that person is likely to win the
narcissist applause, approval, adoration, a following, or some other
kind of Narcissist Supply from on-lookers and witnesses to the
interaction. The act of helping another person must be documented
and thus transformed into narcissistic nourishment.
Otherwise the narcissist is not
concerned or interested. The narcissist has no time or energy for
anything, except the next narcissistic fix, no matter what the price
is and who is trampled upon.
Continue
to Answer: Part Three
