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The NPD Catechism
- Part 3
The Flagship of NPD
Written by Dr. Sam Vaknin
Question:
His family is a mess. His
sister in therapy for 30 years, himself for more than ten years. He
says he could care less if his mother was dead or alive, then he
goes to great extreme to show involvement in unreasonable
errands for her. He says his mother 'emotionally' abandoned him at
age 7-8. He says he went the longest distance to college to get away
from her. He says his mother let his older brother beat him, and
then blamed him.
Answer:
Narcissists often hail from
dysfunctional families.
 Parents (Primary Objects) and,
more specifically, mothers are the first agents of socialisation. It
is through his mother that the child explores the answers to the
most important existential questions, which shape his entire life.
How loved one is, how loveable, how independent can one become, how
guilty one should feel for wanting to become autonomous, how
predictable is the world, how much abuse should one expect in life
and so on. To the infant, the mother, is not only an object of
dependence (survival is at stake), love and adoration. It is a
representation of the "universe" itself. It is through her
that the child first exercises his senses: the tactile, the
olfactory, and the visual. Later on, she is the subject of his
nascent sexual cravings (if a male) a diffuse sense of wanting
to merge, physically, as well as spiritually. This object of love is
idealised and internalised and becomes part of our conscience
(Superego). For better or for worse, it is the yardstick, the
benchmark. One forever compares oneself, one's identity, one's
actions and omissions, one's achievements, one's fears and hopes and
aspirations to this mythical figure.
Growing up (and, later,
attaining maturity and adulthood) entails the gradual detachment
from the mother. At first, the child begins to shape a more
realistic view of her and incorporates the mother's shortcomings and
disadvantages in this modified version. The more ideal, less
realistic and earlier picture of the mother is stored and becomes
part of the child's psyche. The later, less cheerful, more realistic
view enables the infant to define his own identity and gender
identity and to "go out to the world". Partly abandoning
mother is the key to an independent exploration of the world, to
personal autonomy and to a strong sense of self. Resolving the
sexual complex and the resulting conflict of being attracted to a
forbidden figure is the second, determining, step. The (male)
child must realise that his mother is "off-limits" to him
sexually (and emotionally, or psychosexually) and that she
"belongs" to his father (or to other males). He must
thereafter choose to imitate his father in order to win, in the
future, someone like his mother. This is an oversimplified
description of the very intricate psychodynamic processes involved
but this, still, is the gist of it all. The third (and final)
stage of letting go of the mother is reached during the delicate
period of adolescence. One then seriously ventures out and, finally,
builds and secures one's own world, replete with a new
"mother-lover". If any of these phases is thwarted the
process of differentiation is not be successfully completed, no
autonomy or coherent self are achieved and dependence and
"infantilism" characterise the unlucky person.
What determines the success or
failure of these developments in one's personal history? Mostly,
one's mother. If the mother does not "let go" the
child does not go. If the mother herself is the dependent,
narcissistic type the growth prospects of the child are, indeed,
dim.
There are numerous mechanisms,
which mothers use to ensure the continued presence and emotional
dependence of their offspring (of both sexes).
The mother can cast herself in
the role of the eternal victim, a sacrificial figure, who dedicated
her life to the child (with the implicit or explicit proviso of
reciprocity: that the child dedicate his life to her). Another
strategy is to treat the child as an extension of the mother or,
conversely, to treat herself as an extension of the child. Yet
another tactic is to create a situation of "follies-a-deux"
(the mother and child united against external threats), or an
atmosphere suffused with sexual and erotic insinuations, leading to
an illicit psychosexual bonding between mother and child. In the
latter case, the adult's ability to interact with members of the
opposite sex is gravely impaired and the mother is perceived as
envious of any feminine influence other than hers. The mother
criticises the women in her offspring's life pretending to do so in
order to protect him from dangerous liaisons or from ones which are
"beneath him" ("You deserve more"). Other
mothers exaggerate their neediness: they emphasise their financial
dependence and lack of resources, their health problems, their
emotional barrenness without the soothing presence of the child,
their need to be protected against this or that (mostly imaginary)
enemy. Guilt is a prime mover in the perverted relationships of such
mothers and their children.
The death of the mother is,
therefore, both a devastating shock and a deliverance. The reactions
are ambiguous, to say the least. The typical adult who mourns his
dead mother usually is exposed to such emotional duality. This
ambiguity is the source of our guilt feelings. With a person who is
abnormally attached to his mother, the situation is more
complicated. He feels that he has a part in her death, that he is
partly to blame, responsible, did not behave right and to the utmost
of his ability. He is glad to be liberated and feels guilty and
punishable because of it. He feels sad and elated, naked and
powerful, exposed to dangers and omnipotent, about to disintegrate
and to be newly integrated. These, precisely, are the emotional
reactions to a successful therapy. The process of healing is, thus,
started.
Question:
He hid his religion from
me, then later claimed it was so important that it was one of the
reasons he left.
Answer:
God is everything the narcissist ever
wants to be: omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, admired, much
discussed, and awe inspiring. God is the narcissist's wet dream, his
ultimate grandiose fantasy. But God comes handy in other ways as
well.
The narcissist alternately idealizes
and devalues figures of authority.
In the idealization phase, he strives
to emulate them, he admires them, imitate them (often ludicrously),
and defends them. They cannot go wrong, or be wrong. The narcissist
regards them as bigger than life, infallible, perfect, whole, and
brilliant. But as the narcissist's unrealistic and inflated
expectations are inevitably frustrated, he begins to devalue his
former idols.
Now they are "human" (to
the narcissist, a derogatory term). They are small, fragile,
error-prone, pusillanimous, mean, dumb, and mediocre. The narcissist
goes through the same cycle in his relationship with God, the
quintessential authority figure.
But often, even when disillusionment
and iconoclastic despair have set in - the narcissist continues to
pretend to love God and follow Him. The narcissist maintains this
deception because his continued proximity to God confers on him
authority. Priests, leaders of the congregation, preachers,
evangelists, cultists, politicians, intellectuals - all derive
authority from their allegedly privileged relationship with God.
Religious authority allows the
narcissist to indulge his sadistic urges and to exercise his
misogynism freely and openly. Such a narcissist is likely to taunt
and torment his followers, hector and chastise them, humiliate and
berate them, abuse them spiritually, or even sexually. The
narcissist whose source of authority is religious is looking for
obedient and unquestioning slaves upon whom to exercise his
capricious and wicked mastery. The narcissist transforms even the
most innocuous and pure religious sentiments into a cultish ritual
and a virulent hierarchy. He prays on the gullible. His flock become
his hostages.
Religious authority also secures the
narcissist's narcissistic supply. His coreligionists, members of his
congregation, his parish, his constituency, his audience - are
transformed into loyal and stable sources of narcissistic supply.
They obey his commands, heed his admonitions, follow his creed,
admire his personality, applaud his personal traits, satisfy his
needs (sometimes even his carnal desires), revere and idolize him.
Moreover, being a part of a
"bigger thing" is very gratifying narcissistically. Being
a particle of God, being immersed in His grandeur, experiencing His
power and blessings first hand, communing with him - are all sources
of unending narcissistic supply. The narcissist becomes God by
observing His commandments, following His instructions, loving Him,
obeying Him, succumbing to Him, merging with Him, communicating with
Him - or even by defying him (the bigger the narcissist's enemy -
the more grandiosely important the narcissist feels).
Like everything else in the
narcissist's life, he mutates God into a kind of Inverted
Narcissist. God becomes his dominant source of supply. He forms a
personal relationship with this overwhelming and overpowering entity
- in order to overwhelm and overpower others. He becomes God
vicariously, by the proxy of his relationship with Him. He idealizes
God, then devalues Him, then abuses him. This is the classic
narcissistic pattern and even God himself cannot escape it.
Question:
He lies, even the smallest
things.
Answer:
Confabulations are an important part
of life. They serve to heal emotional wounds or to prevent ones from
being inflicted in the first place. They prop-up the confabulator's
self-esteem, regulate his (or her) sense of self-worth, and buttress
his (or her) self-image. They serve as organizing principles in
social interactions.
Father's wartime heroism, mother's
youthful good looks, one's oft-recounted exploits, erstwhile alleged
brilliance, and past purported sexual irresistibility - are typical
examples of white, fuzzy, heart-warming lies wrapped around a
shriveled kernel of truth.
But the distinction between reality
and fantasy is rarely completely lost. Deep inside, the healthy
confabulator knows where facts end and wishful thinking takes over.
Father acknowledges he was no war hero, though he did his share of
fighting. Mother understands she was no ravishing beauty, though she
may have been attractive. The confabulator realizes that his
recounted exploits are overblown, his brilliance exaggerated, and
his sexual irresistibility a myth.
Such distinctions never rise to the
surface because everyone - the confabulator and his audience alike -
have a common interest to maintain the confabulation. To challenge
the integrity of the confabulator or the veracity of his
confabulations is to threaten the very fabric of family and society.
Human intercourse is built around such entertaining deviations from
the truth.
This is where the narcissist differs
from others (from "normal" people).
His very self is a piece of fiction
concocted to fend off hurt and to nurture the narcissist's
grandiosity. He fails in his "reality test" - the ability
to distinguish the actual from the imagined. The narcissist
fervently believes in his own infallibility, brilliance,
omnipotence, heroism, and perfection. He doesn't dare confront the
truth and admit it even to himself.
Moreover, he imposes his personal
mythology on his nearest and dearest. Spouse, children, colleagues,
friends, neighbors - sometimes even perfect strangers - must abide
by the narcissist's narrative or face his wrath. The narcissist
countenances no disagreement, alternative points of view, or
criticism. To him, confabulation IS reality.
The coherence of the narcissist's
dysfunctional and precariously-balanced personality depends on the
plausibility of his stories and on their acceptance by his sources
of narcissistic supply. The narcissist invests an inordinate time in
substantiating his tales, collecting "evidence", defending
his version of events, and in re-interpreting reality to fit his
scenario. As a result, most narcissists are self-delusional,
obstinate, opinionated, and argumentative.
The narcissist's lies are not
goal-orientated. This is what makes his constant dishonesty both
disconcerting and incomprehensible. The narcissist lies at the drop
of a hat, needlessly, and almost ceaselessly. He lies in order to
avoid the Grandiosity Gap - when the abyss between fact and
(narcissistic) fiction becomes too gaping to ignore.
The narcissist lies in order to
preserve appearances, uphold fantasies, support the tall (and
impossible) tales of his False Self and extract narcissistic supply
from unsuspecting sources, who are not yet on to him. To the
narcissist, confabulation is not merely a way of life - but life
itself.
We are all conditioned to let other
indulge in pet delusions and get away with white, not too egregious,
lies. The narcissist makes use of our socialization. We dare not
confront or expose him, despite the outlandishness of his claims,
the improbability of his stories, the implausibility of his alleged
accomplishments and conquests. We simply turn the other cheek, or
meekly avert our eyes, often embarrassed.
Moreover, the narcissist makes clear,
from the very beginning, that it is his way or the highway. His
aggression - even violent streak - are close to the surface. He may
be charming in a first encounter - but even then there are telltale
signs of pent-up abuse. His interlocutors sense this impending
threat and avoid conflict by acquiescing with the narcissist's fairy
tales. Thus he imposes his private universe and virtual reality on
his milieu - sometimes with disastrous consequences.
Question:
His male kung fu teacher seems
to be strangely overly important to him.
Answer:
Narcissists often try to imitate and
emulate "narcissistic role models". They adopt their
hero's mannerisms, speech patterns, dress code, gestures, and even
biography.
Being in a position of
authority secures the Sources of Narcissistic Supply. Fed by the
awe, fear, subordination, admiration, adoration and obedience of his
underlings, parish, or patients the narcissist thrives in such
circumstances. The narcissist aspires to acquire authority by any
means available to him. He may achieve this by making use of some
outstanding traits or skills such as his intelligence, or through an
asymmetry built into a relationship. The narcissistic medical doctor
or mental health professional and his patients, the narcissistic
guide, teacher, or mentor and his students, the narcissistic leader,
guru, pundit, or psychic and his followers or admirers, or the
narcissistic business tycoon, boss, or employer and his subordinates
all are instances of such asymmetries. The rich, powerful, more
knowledgeable narcissist occupy a Pathological
Narcissistic Space.
These types of relationships
based on the unidirectional and unilateral flow of Narcissistic
Supply border on abuse. The narcissist, in pursuit of an
ever-increasing supply, of an ever-larger dose of adoration, and an
ever-bigger fix of attention gradually loses his moral
constraints. With time, it gets harder to obtain Narcissistic
Supply. The sources of such supply are human and they become weary,
rebellious, tired, bored, disgusted, repelled, or plainly amused by
the narcissist's incessant dependence, his childish craving for
attention, his exaggerated or even paranoid fears which lead to
obsessive-compulsive behaviours. To secure their continued
collaboration in the procurement of his much-needed supply the
narcissist might resort to emotional extortion, straight blackmail,
abuse, or misuse of his authority.
The temptation to do so,
though, is universal. No doctor is immune to the charms of certain
female patients, nor are university professors a sexual. What
prevent them from immorally, cynically, callously and consistently
abusing their position are ethical imperatives embedded in them
through socialisation and empathy. They learned the difference
between right and wrong and, having internalised it, they choose
right when they face a moral dilemma. They empathise with other
human beings, "putting themselves in their shoes", and
refrain from doing unto others what they do not wish to be done to
them.
It is in these two crucial
points that narcissists differ from other humans.
Their socialisation process
usually the product of problematic early relationships with Primary
Objects (parents, or caregivers) is often perturbed and results
in social dysfunctioning. And they are incapable of empathising:
humans are there only to supply them with Narcissistic Supply. Those
unfortunate humans who do not comply with this overriding dictum
must be made to alter their ways and if even this fails, the
narcissist loses interest in them and they are classified as
"sub-human, animals, service-providers, functions,
symbols" and worse. Hence the abrupt shifts from over-valuation
to devaluation of others. While bearing the gifts of Narcissistic
Supply the "other" is idealised by the narcissist. The
narcissist shifts to the opposite pole (devaluation) when
Narcissistic Supply dries up or when he estimates that it is about
to.
As far as the narcissist is
concerned, there is no moral dimension to abusing others only a
pragmatic one: will he be punished for doing so? The narcissist is
atavistically responsive to fear and lacks any in-depth
understanding of what it is to be a human being. Trapped in his
pathology, the narcissist resembles an alien on drugs, a junkie of
Narcissistic Supply devoid of the kind of language, which renders
human emotions intelligible.
Question:
He has a huge need to be
humorous, often making up his own jokes (that are not funny) then
when people don't laugh, he blames them for not getting it.
Answer:
A narcissist rarely engages in
self-directed, self-deprecating humor. If he does, he expects
to be contradicted, rebuked and rebuffed by his listeners
("Come on, you are actually quite handsome!"), or to be
commended or admired for his courage or for his wit and intellectual
acerbity ("I envy your ability to laugh at yourself!"). As
everything else in a narcissist's life, his sense of humor is
deployed in the interminable pursuit of Narcissistic Supply.
The absence of Narcissistic Supply
(or the impending threat of such an absence) is, indeed, a serious
matter. It is the narcissistic equivalent of mental death. If
prolonged and unmitigated, such absence can lead to the real thing:
physical death, a result of suicide, or of a psychosomatic
deterioration of the narcissist's health. Yet, to obtain
Narcissistic Supply, one must be taken seriously and to be taken
seriously one must be the first to take oneself seriously. Hence the
gravity with which the narcissist contemplates his life. This lack
of levity and of perspective and proportion characterize the
narcissist and set him apart.
The narcissist firmly believes that
he is unique and that he is thus endowed because he has a mission to
fulfill, a destiny, a meaning to his life. The narcissist's life is
a part of history, of a cosmic plot and it constantly tends to
thicken. Such a life deserves only the most serious attention.
Moreover, every particle of such an existence, every action or
inaction, every utterance, creation, or composition, indeed every
thought, are bathed in this cosmic meaningfulness. They all lead
down the paths of glory, of achievement, of perfection, of ideals,
of brilliance. They are all part of a design, a pattern, a plot,
which inexorably and unstoppably lead the narcissist on to the
fulfillment of his task. The narcissist may subscribe to a religion,
to a belief, or to an ideology in his effort to understand the
source of this strong feeling of uniqueness. He may attribute his
sense of direction to God, to history, to society, to culture, to a
calling, to his profession, to a value system. But he always does so
with a straight face, with a firm conviction and with deadly
seriousness.
And because, to the narcissist, the
part is a holographic reflection of the whole - he tends to
generalize, to resort to stereotypes, to induct (to learn about the
whole from the detail), to exaggerate, finally to pathologically lie
to himself and to others. This tendency of his, this
self-importance, this belief in a grand design, in an all embracing
and all-pervasive pattern - make him an easy prey to all manner of
logical fallacies and con artistry. Despite his avowed and proudly
expressed rationality the narcissist is besieged by superstition and
prejudice. Above all, he is a captive of the false belief that his
uniqueness destines him to carry a mission of cosmic significance.
All these make the narcissist a
volatile person. Not merely mercurial - but fluctuating, histrionic,
unreliable, and disproportional. That which has cosmic implications
calls for cosmic reactions. The person with an inflated sense of
self-import, will react in an inflated manner to threats, greatly
inflated by his imagination and by the application to them of his
personal myth. On a cosmic scale, the daily vagaries of life, the
mundane, the routine are not important, even damagingly distracting.
This is the source of his feelings of exceptional entitlement.
Surely, engaged as he is in securing the well being of humanity by
the exercise of his unique faculties - the narcissist deserves
special treatment! This is the source of his violent swings between
opposite behavior patterns and between devaluation and idealization
of others. To the narcissist, every minor development is nothing
less than a new stage in his life, every adversity, a conspiracy to
upset his progress, every setback an apocalyptic calamity, every
irritation the cause for outlandish outbursts of rage. He is a man
of the extremes and only of the extremes. He may learn to
efficiently suppress or hide his feelings or reactions - but never
for long. In the most inappropriate and inopportune moment, you can
count on the narcissist to explode, like a wrongly wound time bomb.
And in between eruptions, the narcissistic volcano daydreams,
indulges in delusions, plans his victories over an increasingly
hostile and alienated environment. Gradually, the narcissist becomes
more paranoid - or more aloof, detached and dissociative.
In such a setting, you must admit,
there is not much room for a sense of humor.
Question:
He used the term
"narcissistic personality" and defined it to me,
apparently after one of his counseling sessions.
Answer:
Narcissists have little introspection, never admit to faults, and
perceive any suggestion of n incipient pathology as a threat. Many
of them are actually PROUD of their
illness. They feel that it makes them unique.
Sometimes the narcissist does
gain awareness and knowledge of his predicament - typically in the
wake of a life crisis (divorce, bankruptcy, incarceration, near
death experience, death in the family). But, in the absence of an
emotional correlate, of feelings, such merely cognitive awakening is
useless. It does not yield insight. The dry facts do not bring about
a transformation, let alone healing.
The introspection of the
narcissist is emotionless, akin to the listing of an inventory of
his "good" and "bad" sides and without any
commitment to change. It does not enhance his ability to empathize,
nor does it inhibit his propensity to exploit others and discard
them when their usefulness is over. It does not tamper his
overpowering and raging sense of entitlement, nor does it deflate
his grandiose fantasies.
The narcissist's introspection
is a futile and arid exercise at bookkeeping, a soulless bureaucracy
of the psyche and, in its own way, even more chilling that the
alternative: a narcissist blissfully unaware of his own disorder.
Return to
Introduction
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